It’s been seven and a half months since we last saw M&W. Seven and a half long gruelling and at times very difficult months. Many times I composed a post in my head but it was too painful to write. In the meantime seven and a half months have passed. I want to say the ache gets better, but it doesn’t. I want to say we have adjusted, but we haven’t. I want to say we have heard something…..anything….but we haven’t. The two capes still hang on J’s bedpost. Whenever he does a magic show for the family he wears both of them. Sometimes he sits in W’s chair and says, “I think I’ll sit here because it makes me think of W.” Now that J can write he writes letters to W. He still doesn’t understand why he can’t see him and a few weeks ago he begged to call him. I relented and he called from the house phone. Of course there was no answer and no call back after J left a message. I’m tired of watching my son suffer from something I cannot control or fix.

There are days when I am so angry. There are days when I can’t stop the tears. There have even been days when I have wanted to walk away from all of this because there are days when it really is that hard. There are days when I find myself wondering if today is the day that there will be pictures in the mail, or a text message to D’s phone, or a phone call. There are nights when I dream about them and when I wake up my pillow is wet. I imagine J&A vanishing and I can’t comprehend it, nor can I imagine taking them away from their other mother.

Did I mention it has been seven and a half months? Their shoes are still downstairs by the door. Their coats are still hung up on the wall. Their toys are still where they left them. Their beds still have their blankets on them. One night D put their blankets in bed with her so she could smell them. It was heartbreaking.

I was looking through some of the last pictures we took. I realized how much J&A have changed. I wondered how much M&W have changed. They are suspended in my mind the way they were when they left and they likely will be until I see them again.

So I’m back blogging again. WooHoo. I’ve got to let it out somewhere. I promise, there will also be happy posts. Right now I’m pretty damn proud of myself for blogging period.

The holidays are coming. I am facing them with optimism and faith and hope. I think it’s pretty obvious what every member of my household wants for Christmas.

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